Welcome back to The Kirkby Times

Coming soon!




Infamous insults!

Gratuitous throw-away put downs of the rich and powerful!


Praise for the good people of Kirkby!

Taking the p out of all the things we should not be taking the p out of.

Don’t let the under 16s read this! It’s got some swear-words included, but few and far between! We might say ‘F*** Maggie Thatcher – good riddance you piece of middle class posh trash!’ but we always cross old ladies over the road, never rob off our own and ALWAYS defend Kirkby when people call us scum just for being poor! Call us that to our faces and you will soon see who is the lower class. Namely, you – on the floor – and a working class hero putting you there! We love peace, but when working class people go to war – we go big time! We are the worse enemy of the rich and powerful. They know that and want to destroy us – make us extinct even!

And, yes, of course, f*** the bedroom tax!

We expect councillors to elaborate on their plans to oppose it, or we wait for them to elaborate over sex, power, politics and the return of their fav website, the website that was here before Facebook and before ‘social networking’ meant slagging off everyone you know, behind their backs of course! We were here before BetFred, payday loans (they should be hung the slimebag pieces of crap) and before the BBC was outed for being a paedophiles club for perverts!

Paying a TV license means paying for Jimmy Saville to rape a few kids. TV license inspectors in Kirkby should hang their heads in shame. We’ll video you for posterities sake. Its NOT a crime to video record someone without their knowledge. That includes the police, but, to be fair, we won’t record cops because they don’t want their faces all over the internet. But if in 1989 we all had cameras and video recorders on our phone, the South Yorkshire Mass Murderer’s would have gone to jail and the Hillsborough cover up would have never happened.

General Rant in Progress!

But if any cop beats someone up – we’ll have the photos of the injuries. Most cops will not risk their career just to slap a scally – those who might do that – you really should not abuse the power you have. Bad cops at Hillsborough made many of us hate the police force! Can any policeman or women reading this understand why? However, we are not here to have a pop at the cops just for the hell of it. And, like it or not – we need the police. Kirkby would not do that well if we left the law up to whoever could get the most guns and enough muscle. But the old school cops who murdered the 96 at Hillsborough – they should rot in jail and will certainly go to hell without a shadow of doubt.

The cops of yesteryear may be gone but the chance for corruption and abuse of office continues. Bad cops are a cancer. Any nation with really bad cops is a nation which is a true hell-hole – a nation whose citizens would all come here (if they could – see Cheryl Blair for further details) because our cops, bad as they may be, are not that bad compared to the lowlife in India, Pakistan or the Saudi police force – trained by old school UK cops and cops who really do deserve the term ‘filth’. The Saudis are the only Arab nation that we should have given the population arms to topple! Those oil selling wacko religious royal idiots will be beheaded by their own before the century is out.

Hate Israel! 😉

People love to hate Israel – but ignore the Saudis who fund international terror and get away with it because, they have oil and the Yanks need it to move tons of McDonalds burgers for the obese population to eat for breakfast along with a cup the size of a waste-paper bin full of a drug called ‘caffeine’. A drug that is legal. But nobody thinks of it as a drug. Maybe they should. I think Liverpool cocaine is actually caffeine HCL. So, stop the cocaine, drink coffee! Save money and have a nice warm drink!

Jeremy Kyle!

Below – moody dickhead glances at audience!


And Jeremy Kyle? There are a few in Kirkby who should have ‘put something on the end of it’ – but thankfully most parents here are dedicated, they care and want a future here in Kirkby.

So does The Kirkby Times!

Its why we started 😉

That’s all for now ladies and gentlemen, and to any kids reading this – do your homework – make the grades in school, wise up because being stupid is not doing us any favours. Nor you!

Kirkby needs more education and now we are back, you will get some authentic working class history, often white working class, but if your black, Asian or a Red Indian – your working class! That is our common bond and we won’t let you forget and will cut down any idiot playing the ‘race card’ if they are stupid enough to go that way!

Political correctness can kiss the white working class ‘ass’ as our American Yankee diddling Dandy ‘cousins’ might inform us.

We’re back – and any politician who wants to joust with the verbal javelin will get it thrust up his or her – er, well, lets not start off with vulgarities! We’ll do them later, adult hour!

Peace and goodwill to all. R.I.P. to all the good people of Kirkby who have passed since we last published. And welcome to a a new generation! We will teach you why we are treated like scum and why we should stand up for ourselves, and more importantly, each other!

We are The Kirkby Times. We are back. Send in your opinions, news, gossip and history to The Editor who now resides in a mansion, eats Stilton cheese and enjoys shooting grouse after a game of crochet. He has expressed a desire to ‘nuke Kirkby and all those law breaking dole scrounging dodgy masses!’.

So – the new editor is aged 9, enjoys X-Box live, YouTube, hates carrots and loves cartoons and his pet spider called Spider. He cannot be prosecuted. We are hosted in the USA so can say whatever we want now. The American constitution itself protects us now. God bless the Yanks constitution!

Warning, we might offend someone, somewhere, for some reason!

Finally, this website will carry a warning that sensitive souls ought not to read us.

If you don’t like people making fun of your religion – get a life – because suing us or prosecuting us will mean you will have to bring God, Allah or Buddha to the court hearing. So if your a religious whacko job – ‘jog on’ (go away) as our Cockney mates say! If you don’t like jokes of a sexual nature, (not filth – just clever wit ) – then find another website to whine about.

If you don’t like humour – don’t read us. If you think the world revolves around you – lol (that means ‘laugh out loud’) – go stand on the North Pole and STFU (find that one out for yourself)

Crying the Blues!

Too many people in the UK seem to cry about anything at the drop of a hat these days. If your like that – go cry a river somewhere else whilst we do serious news, have a laugh and educate people about what Kirkby is like, what our lives are like and the lives of those who have come before us.

Our history matters, our future is vital, but we like to live in the here and now because, in the end, that’s all we have.

More soon, actual news! A lot has gone on so please excuse us whilst we gather that news and present it to the public. Bear with us as we see how far we can go in insulting the rich and powerful. How long before we get some jack-pass lawyer who thinks he is cool just because he gets 100K plus to harass some poor working class dude! Most lawyers are the scum of the earth – a rabble of greedy envious devious backstabbing s***-heads. We could name names – but you know who you are! Go take a swim in a pirannha infested lake. Pet a Polar Bear! Eat a plate of E-Coli. (more insults soon!)

Later for the rest, now its goodbye from the best!